It's important to have an accurate resume

Trying to find a "real" job after 16 years of having a "surreal" job, can be somewhat challenging.  I was talking to a friend about writing a resume, (something I have very little experience at) she said that the most important thing in a resume is making sure it is accurate and up to date...

SO here goes...

Amy Eagle
San Diego, CA

Key Skills:
Communication - Proficient at facebook, instagram, and facetime. Generally can not get out of a store, business, or school, without having a lengthy conversation with total strangers. Speaks fluent sarcasm, and developing skills in communicating with angst ridden teenagers.
Problem solving - Resolves in-depth queries in a methodical manner, can google search at a very impressive rate, has the ability to deal with van fires, heart breaks, gum in hair, stained uniforms, and scheduling conflicts... with a smile. (sorta)
Team Player - Can work with Satan himself (assuming he is capable of hemming pants and baking 6 dozen cupcakes on a moments notice. I also put the A in PTA.
Planning and organizing - Refined planning and organizational skills, can get 4 kids, 2 dogs, 3 turtles, 2 rabbits, a lizard and a husband to look at a camera for a family photo. Able to finish large projects, get kids to various practices, and prepare dinner simultaneously.
Systems knowledge - Nervous.

1996- present        
General of own private, self built army

• Collaborated with each underling, resulting in the ability to complete homework assignments on time.
• After years of study and research 3 of my 4 employees can correctly identify a laundry hamper, and 2 can locate the laundry room.
• Monitor employee facebook, cellphones, and email accounts to insure safety as well as protecting them against the temptation to cheat on calculus tests. (hypothetically speaking)
• Carried out the assembly and presentation of "dinner' with only the use of a cell phone.
• Supervised, coached and counseled roughly 400000 sports teams, team mom efficient.
• Recruited and scheduled staff to ensure balanced coverage of chores, ranging from but not limited to: dishes, room cleaning, vacuuming, and locating laundry room to deposit soiled clothing.
• Adapted and revised daily schedule to successfully complete 1400 hours of work with in the allotted 24.
• Works pro-actively with team to maintain awareness of upcoming events.  Still working with team to master the skill of informing me of upcoming events.
• Can play madlibs for 3 consecutive hours.
• Once made a Halloween costume in 20 minutes with buttons and a pair of old overalls.
• Can clean up hazardous spills while driving down the freeway.

Community Volunteerism:
For the sake of stream lining this process just imagine any possible event, organization, activity that you could possibly ever volunteer for.....

Yah I've done that....

and it's somewhat likely I was in charge.

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OK so who's hiring???!!??