Wednesday, August 13, 2014

20 years ago

20 years ago today:

I was 19. I knew everything and had my life completely planned out and everything has gone 100% as planned. The End


20 years ago today:

Our story begins with fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles... Just call me "Buttercup".

Ok ok ok... sooooo

20 years ago today:

This goofy awkward girl

.. somehow talked this super smart, handsome boy

into marrying her. Poor thing had no clue what he was signing up for.
Seriously anyone who can deal with me day in, and day out for 20 years deserves some sort of metal, actually I do believe it's one of the precursors to being canonized a saint.

20 years of deployments, navy moves, schedule changes, duty nights, late nights, and early mornings.

20 years of kids who say embarrassing things, run jog-a-thons backwards and reveal all your quirks to their teachers. 20 years of band concerts, sports practices, sick babies, sassy teenagers, and now adult children.

20 years of new friends, and tearfully goodbyes. First breathes, and final moments.

20 years of memories. 20 years of adventure. The good, the bad and all things in between.

Through all the ups and downs, I wouldn't change a single thing, because it's part of who we are and I love who we are.

As we walk into this next adventure, I'm so glad to be walking through it with you.

I am blessed by our past and excited for our future. I love you so much and I always will.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

What everyone is talking about

Yesterday social media and the world erupted with the news of Robin Williams death. As everyone else I was deeply saddened. The more that came out about the circumstances the sadder it became.

One thing I can say is .. Don't speculate.. You truly can't fathom what was going on inside him.

Only a very small number of people know this. I'm clinically depressed. I've spent the last 20+ years on and off various medications. I've spoken to more psychiatrists than I think was needed. Yet the demons remain.

I am a master at hiding it. I'm smart, I'm funny, and people who don't know me well, tell me I'm so together, and they don't know how I do it. I joke and make light of most things including this. It's what the world sees. What you don't see is the days I physically can't get out of bed. The days that the voices are winning and I let the world become so much bigger than me. I hide those days. I want people to only see the funny, happy, everything will be fine Amy.

I'm telling you all today.. IT'S A LIE. It's a face I made for myself years and years ago to try to drown the pain, to drown the voices that tell me that the world would be better if I wasn't in it. I fought that since I was a kid, I fight that now, I know now that I always will.

I also want to say that THERE IS NO SHAME IN GETTING HELP! It doesn't mean you're a bad person or crazy or whatever. It only means that you recognized your brokenness and you want to fix it.

If this describes you in anyway and you don't know what to do or feel embarrassed or ashamed, call me. Text me. Right now! You are important, you are special, and I will fight the demons with you, because you are loved.

Rest in peace Mr. Williams, you were loved.

I appreciate all the support I've gotten these past days, but especially that people are seeing what depression looks like.

I have gotten so angry when I've seen people on line say things like "he was rich and famous, why would he be sad"?... It doesn't work like that.

It's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

So what does depression look like? It looks like your neighbors, your teachers, your friends. It looks like Robin Williams, and it looks like me.