Wednesday, October 8, 2014

I'm so annoying

Damn I've been obnoxious lately! I was scrolling through the last few months of facebook... Sweet baby Jeebers how have ya'll put up with me and not smacked me? Kudos to you all! Seriously though, did not realize how whiny I've been sounding. So in order to get it all out of my system and in the interest of full disclosure/ cheap therapy/ I really like writing... Here's my brain vomit as of late..

I'm trying to focus on the positive, look for the silver lining, two in the hand is worth three in the bush, don't take wooden nickels (insert your cliche here), but daaaammmmmnnnnnnn, I feel like a really bad MMA fighter, the one that ya know is going to get his ass kicked, but your still silently rooting for.. That's me. It's round three and I have lost all cognitive thought, but keep fighting for some unknown reason.

I keep dreaming that a box with 5k shows up at my door. Like seriously 20 times. I'm going to psycho analyze myself for a second.. I believe it comes from my deep subconscious feelings that I would freaking love a box of money! (I mean who wouldn't?) actually maybe it's a metaphor for boxing up my money woes and throwing them out the door? (Ok that's lame even for me) things have been a little snug but I'm really working on not being so down on myself about it. 6th grade camp, 8th grade dc trip, various other activities are just off the table right now. As a mom you feel like a failure, but you know that not playing a sport or going on a class trip, isn't the end of the world. I can't fix everything, and that's ok. Don't even get me started on the impending retirement and all that comes with THAT! :P

Garrett, oh my! that's been a ride. For those of you playing the home game, he broke and we can't fix him. However we aren't going down without a fight. I got to say the kid impresses me, he's pretty damn tough. I don't think I could handle it as well as he is.. Oh wait I'm not. Currently we are working on getting him braces to help his joints during the day. I'm really hopeful that this will make a big difference.

So that's all the yucky.. I promise to stop talking about only the yucky. Honestly I'm a pretty blessed person and sometimes I lose that.. So here's some good stuff....

I got a great picture of the eclipse!

My dog thinks I'm smart.

Paige is all ready for homecoming on Saturday.

The boys are getting to go to this super cool fall festival thing through Daniel's work.

Tanner pulled off the best school picture in the history of school pictures.

Garrett has straight A's despite missing 8 days of school.

I'm going to be getting rid of a lot of shit so we can move. I don't even know where to start though.

I have the coolest eye color of anyone I know.

I make a mean bacon soup.

I have the best husband ever.

I'm hilarious.. It's true.. I really am.

Ever onward!!!

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

20 years ago

20 years ago today:

I was 19. I knew everything and had my life completely planned out and everything has gone 100% as planned. The End


20 years ago today:

Our story begins with fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles... Just call me "Buttercup".

Ok ok ok... sooooo

20 years ago today:

This goofy awkward girl

.. somehow talked this super smart, handsome boy

into marrying her. Poor thing had no clue what he was signing up for.
Seriously anyone who can deal with me day in, and day out for 20 years deserves some sort of metal, actually I do believe it's one of the precursors to being canonized a saint.

20 years of deployments, navy moves, schedule changes, duty nights, late nights, and early mornings.

20 years of kids who say embarrassing things, run jog-a-thons backwards and reveal all your quirks to their teachers. 20 years of band concerts, sports practices, sick babies, sassy teenagers, and now adult children.

20 years of new friends, and tearfully goodbyes. First breathes, and final moments.

20 years of memories. 20 years of adventure. The good, the bad and all things in between.

Through all the ups and downs, I wouldn't change a single thing, because it's part of who we are and I love who we are.

As we walk into this next adventure, I'm so glad to be walking through it with you.

I am blessed by our past and excited for our future. I love you so much and I always will.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

What everyone is talking about

Yesterday social media and the world erupted with the news of Robin Williams death. As everyone else I was deeply saddened. The more that came out about the circumstances the sadder it became.

One thing I can say is .. Don't speculate.. You truly can't fathom what was going on inside him.

Only a very small number of people know this. I'm clinically depressed. I've spent the last 20+ years on and off various medications. I've spoken to more psychiatrists than I think was needed. Yet the demons remain.

I am a master at hiding it. I'm smart, I'm funny, and people who don't know me well, tell me I'm so together, and they don't know how I do it. I joke and make light of most things including this. It's what the world sees. What you don't see is the days I physically can't get out of bed. The days that the voices are winning and I let the world become so much bigger than me. I hide those days. I want people to only see the funny, happy, everything will be fine Amy.

I'm telling you all today.. IT'S A LIE. It's a face I made for myself years and years ago to try to drown the pain, to drown the voices that tell me that the world would be better if I wasn't in it. I fought that since I was a kid, I fight that now, I know now that I always will.

I also want to say that THERE IS NO SHAME IN GETTING HELP! It doesn't mean you're a bad person or crazy or whatever. It only means that you recognized your brokenness and you want to fix it.

If this describes you in anyway and you don't know what to do or feel embarrassed or ashamed, call me. Text me. Right now! You are important, you are special, and I will fight the demons with you, because you are loved.

Rest in peace Mr. Williams, you were loved.

I appreciate all the support I've gotten these past days, but especially that people are seeing what depression looks like.

I have gotten so angry when I've seen people on line say things like "he was rich and famous, why would he be sad"?... It doesn't work like that.

It's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

So what does depression look like? It looks like your neighbors, your teachers, your friends. It looks like Robin Williams, and it looks like me.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

The cabin and relationships

Last week Paige and I had the fabulous opportunity to go back to Michigan for 6 days. I hadn't been back in 2 years, for Paige it had been much longer.

It was amazing how time melted the second we got off that plane. As soon as I see my cousin it always feels like I just saw her yesterday, we have this share-a-brain thing going on. The more people I saw the more time didn't exist. We got to see my most amazingest aunt ever, they were letting us borrow a car to drive up to Mio.. My uncle made me drive him around the neighborhood first.. True story :)

On the 4th of July we drove up to the cabin. If you've never been to the cabin, I'm not sure I could ever justifiably explain it. It's so much more than a building or a place. It's where I keep my childhood. It's picking blueberries in July, it's sparklers, it's giant fire pits, it's staying up singing until 2 a.m. It's where Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle Paul, Riley, Aunt Pat and so many others will always be.

I can't put into words all the awesome times, amazing conversations and reconnecting that happened in this 6 short days. Friday and Saturday found about 100 people up there at various times. It was amazing and fun.

I think my favorite moment took place late Sunday night.. Most everyone had gone, and those who remained were all inside. I sat and watched the fire go out. I reflected on not only my time there, my past, my future, those who we've lost. I realized something... I have spent a good portion of my life trying to impress the wrong people. I have fought for completely one sided friendships. I have tried to create bonds where non actually ever existed. Meanwhile all these amazing people sat a mere phone call away and never heard from me. Being able to be back there and reconnect with all these amazing people was the greatest gift I've ever been given. I won't squander it. So to my beautiful Louchart, Schmidt, Volz, Conklin, McDermott et al family.. 619-602-4737 Call me, text me, email me... Send this info to your siblings that aren't on facebook ( looking at you Mary Lou :) ) and please send me back yours. For the first time in a very long time I feel focused, I feel whole, I know what's important and what relationships need to be focused on and held on to.

I love you all so much, and even if I can't get out there as much as I'd like.. I'll never be that far away ever again.

Saturday, June 7, 2014


I know most of you think I'm an open book, and mostly I am. There are a few topics however that I only broach with very few. Politics, I believe what I believe and that's good enough for me. My volunteerism.. Not sure why, but I never feel the need to discuss how many hours I put in where doing what.. Ok that ones a little weird... The other one that I keep close to the cuff is parenting. Not because I think I'm doing a better or worse job than anyone else, but because I respect all my friends and family and how they parent.

I recently joined a Facebook parenting group.. The funny thing is I had quit a military mamas group because of the drama.. Turns out civilian mamas are just as crazy or crazier. :) We are all on the same team kids! Respect give a bit, you'll get a bit.

As I enter into the newest chapter of parenting the one where I'm the parent of an adult, I've done a lot of thinking about where I've been and where I'm going.

1. I am totally ok being THAT parent. I embrace it actually. I'm sappy, I'm sentimental and I'm willing to go to the mat for my kids no matter if they're 2 or 20. I love that about me.

2. I don't spank my kids. Never will. (Well they are all almost bigger than me now, but still..) I don't believe in it, and my kids aren't spoiled or bratty. They just don't get punished in that way, no they aren't perfect.. But they are a pretty good group.

3. I don't punish for grades IF you're really trying. If you're slacking off and not turning stuff in.. Then it's on!!!!

4. My goal is to be my kids parent not their friend, but I'm glad it's turning out to be both.

5. I make mistakes.. All. The. Time. I hopefully learn from them so as to not repeat them.

6. I'm a horrible housekeeper.. But a really good mom and wife.. Hopefully that cancels it out.

7. I'm not sad that Connor is graduating or that Garrett is promoting to 6th. I'm so proud of them and who they are becoming. I do mourn the loss of being a mom to little kids. I miss it and am now finding my new identity.

8. The one thing I have zero tolerance for is bullying. I know what it's like to be chosen last and left out and treated unkind in school.. I'll be damned if my kid makes anyone ever feel that way.

9. I love these 4 amazing people always, even when they want nothing to do with me.

So that's me and in a nutshell how I run my ship. I'm not saying it's the best way or the right way, it's our way and it works for us. :)

Love who you are and always do what's right for YOUR family, but be open and accepting that we are all different and the same.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

What's been happening in my brain

We are less than 60 days till graduation. I have so much to do.. So much to process.. I've decided to have Connor's party at my house... Eeeeek

Teenagers are weird. I remember being a teenager.. I don't remember being weird.

It's never okay to say mean things. If a "joke" is hurtful.. Best to keep it to yourself. That's true at any age.

Our lives are changing. We will most likely be retiring from the Navy within a year. I go from excited, to terrified and back again. Pray for us as we enter this next adventure.

I have accumulated A LOT of shit in the last 14 years!! I have a lot of culling to do. Anyone wanna come help? :)

If you want a fabulous Connor graduation announcement, please message me your mailing address.

I made some pretty amazing kids, and I am so super proud of all of them. They aren't perfect, but they are pretty darn awesome, I'm a pretty lucky mama.

Someday I won't worry about money.. Someday I'll actually make it from payday to payday. I have total faith that that day is coming.

I know no one who says more random things than Garrett. You just never know what's going to come out of that kid.

I'd be a little lost without my bonus kids. I love Kaiden and Kyra so much!!

Ok so seriously.. When the hell did Easter become a gift giving holiday??!?! I mean SERIOUSLY!! When I was a kid we got eggs some jellybeans, maybe a chocolate bunny... That's it!! Now it's like extra Christmas!

I will never be adorable. I'll never be cute and matchy and sparkly.. I just won't... I've come to terms with it. :)

I've lost 14lbs.. A lot more to go.. But PROGRESS IS HAPPENING!!! :)

What in the name of all things good and holy is a pajanimal?!?! And WHY do they exist?

I have been so freaking grouchy lately. My sincerest apologies if you've been on the receiving end of said grumpiness. It's stress.. Im sure of it. I'm trying to just take one day at a time. My world is completely changing and it's scary a bit.

Beer is my friend, and I'm ok admitting that. Fortunately it's also bestie with my besties. It's so nice when all your friends get along well.

I wrote this the other morning..
"Let it go, let it go, I don't wanna hear it anymore.. Let it go, let it go stop complaining about your chores... I don't care what you were going to say... I'm getting very annoyed... Yes your brother will bother you anyway.. "
I'm a lyrical genius!!! BAM!

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Is it just me?

Is it just me? I find myself asking myself all the time... I've come to the conclusion that it probably is.

It took me a long time to grasp that not everyone thinks like me and most people don't do things the way I would.. Ok that might be a good thing ;) but it always gives me great pause.

One of my horde has recently found themselves being ignored and treated pretty poorly by long time friends. As a parent it's hard not to step in and try to fix it. I know my kid is hurt but I also know what a great person said child is. I guess that's a hard thing even as an adult. I know in my adult life I've had friends (some who've I've known for years) try to change who I am or be very critical of how I dress/act/clean/parent or just decided to ignore me, but for whatever reason I couldn't just walk away.. I also couldn't treat people that way... Maybe It's just me.

To me family is family, pretty much through anything. (Obviously some exceptions) but overall you stick by family. You look out for family, you stick up for them. I have one particular family member who I really looked up to when I was a kid, that person just shut everyone out... I don't get that.. I'll never understand and I'll always miss her. Family should be forever. Maybe it's just me.

In other news I've decided to do the happy 100 days thing

Is it just me or is happiness a choice? A decision you make each day?

Be kind
Help others
Don't take life too seriously or to personally
Laugh all the time
Be happy by making others happy
Choose joy

Monday, February 17, 2014

An open letter to my sons

A few years ago I wrote this letter to my daughter. For those of you playing the home game, you know I also have 3 sons. Sons who are all three in various transition stages of life. One transitioning to an adult, one dealing with the fabulous angst and hormones that are issued to you in middle school, and one trying to disassociate from the title "baby of the family". So this letter is to my boys.

My amazing boys,
Whereas it is true that I have never myself been a boy, (shocking I know.. we'll have that talk later) I do understand where each of you are in your lives, and that some of the things you are facing are pretty terrifying, but here's the good news.... Everything is going to be ok.

When someone compliments you, it is coming from a place of love, don't brush it off.. Be the best YOU that you can be! Often times it isn't skill, knowledge, or ability that you don't possess, it's confidence. However being confident doesn't mean being a dick. Never use your accomplishments to make others feel small.
Believe in yourself, and know that I always have and always will.

Seriously, nothing. If you would have asked my junior/senior self what my life plan was, I would have told you that I was going in the Peace Corps. I would have said that I was going to take some time away from the world, I would have told you I was never getting married. As you may have guessed... NONE of that happened, which is good. Everything that needed to happen did. It's ok that you don't know know what exactly your life will be when you're 40. I don't either!

You will have relationships in your life, and that's great! However you need to still stay true to yourself and your dreams and goals. If that special someone is meant to be in your life than they will be, no matter what. So don't put your own aspirations on the back burner, know that when you care about someone and they care about you, you support each other so that you can build those dreams together. (Cue Starship)

Playing sports is awesome. I am proud of each of you for everything that you do. However if you don't want to, thats ok too. You are no less of a man or of a human because you aren't playing football or whatever 24/7. Playing the sousaphone is just as cool. Don't let anyone tell you it's not. Being athletic is good, but I think society as a whole puts a lot of pressure on boys to be sporty, and if they aren't.. well who freaking cares! Whatever you do, if it's play Waterpolo, or the banjo, just give it 100%, and love what you do.

In good and in bad times. Don't do it. Compare yourself to you! There will be people smarter than you, that's ok.. just do your best. There will be people who you feel like everything comes easy to them, spoiler alert.. it doesn't... just do YOUR best. Now on the opposite side, just because someone else did something worse, or got a lower grade, or made a worse choice, this in no way exonerates your bad choice.

Nothing is cooler, hotter, sweeter than an honest man. (trust me) BE HONEST. Sometimes that will be hard, but it will never let you down. If you say you are going to do something.. DO IT. Follow through on what you say. Your word really is your bond. When you fail, don't make excuses, take responsibility for your actions and move forward.
Your character is always showing.

I know you are probably thinking "DUH?" ..
I don't know, maybe it's a "guy thing". I have seen many of the men in my life, grow up, move on and their friends and family become more and more distant. SO I am telling you right now. CHERISH your relationships. Don't get so caught up in the present that you completely let go of your past. Hang out with the guys once a week. Send your grandmother a letter, an actual letter, not an email not a text, a letter. Make time to take your sister to lunch.. and never ever forget, no matter where you go, no matter how old you are.. always.. and I mean always.. 

We will argue, you will think I'm horrible, I'll wonder what is wrong with you, but I will always love you. I'm so proud of the men you are becoming.


Saturday, January 11, 2014

Randomness.. Because it's kinda what I do

I never knew that being the mom of three boys meant that all dinner conversations would forever involve bodily functions. Also the word "balls" gets said more in my house than at a basketball game.

Garrett may need a 12 step program to get over his addiction to the "Frozen" soundtrack.

Hands down the best version of "Always on my mind" was done by the Pet shop boys.

I have sneezed more in the last two days, than I have in the last 10 years. I'm officially allergic to Southern California.

I'm predicting the Chargers win tomorrow.

I also predicted the Lions going to the Super Bowl... So take that for what it's worth.

I am convinced that 2014 is going to be amazing! I have faith ( and a lottery ticket) woot!!

I haven't won tickets to anything in almost 5 months!!! What da heck?!?!

It's 2014... I was born in 1974.... I'm staring down the barrel of 40.. That's kinda surreal!!

I REALLY want to go camping!

I'm ready for summer break.. Christmas break left me wanting more..

When I feel like the whole world is falling down on me, I watch scooby doo ( don't judge)

I have a patch of gray hair.. Like almost a perfect circle... It's kinda weird.

I got an owl ball for Christmas.. If you're nice I'll let you come over and play with it.

My house overwhelms me.. So my plan is to completely gut, clean, organize one room a week until it's lovely.

I don't like eggnog anymore.. I used too.. But now I find it gross.

I used to think beer and coffee were gross... I don't any more.

I like crocheting hats... It's my only solid yarn ability.

Friday, January 10, 2014

I wasn't ready

I thought I had this whole parenting thing figured out. I thought I had everything under control. I was this super mom... Yah well that's not true. I am realizing more and more that even when things are going smoothly, it doesn't mean I have anything to do with that smoothness. I know now that I was/ am 100% NOT READY to be the mom of teenagers!!

I'm really not. I do remember being a teenager, but I guess I blocked out the icky parts.

I'm not ready:
To not have all the answers
To let them make their own mistakes
To let them learn from those mistakes
To not be able to fix everything

When they were tiny hurts were caused by falling, and me telling them everything would be ok was enough to make it true.

Now hurts are caused by being left out, long time friends deciding you aren't cool enough anymore. From the fear of the unknown. From school and society impressing upon you that you should have your whole life figured out by 17.

I wasn't ready for that, and I wasn't ready for how much it hurts a moms heart.

My hope for all my kids is that they find friends and relationships that they can be themselves in and are never made to feel small or insignificant. That they surround themselves with people who are ok with their flaws and value them for who they are.

My hope is that they grow from their past mistakes and that they know that at 39 I don't have my whole life figured out either, and that's really ok.

I wasn't ready to be the parent of teenagers, but I'm really glad that I am... Even on the days it hurts.