thoughts that I think

By -


I have a bunch of random things flowing through my brain.. as per normal, so here is one of them.

I had an epiphany the other day at 2 a.m. while standing in a public restroom. (odd place I know.) I was staring into a mirror watching much younger women scurry in and out and I really saw myself.  Not a cursory glance to see if my hair was sticking up or if there was broccoli in my teeth, I mean a deep looked into my soul moment.

I always seem to be waiting on something. When X is over I'll have more time.. or if I just quit doing Y this will be better.  Once the kids are a little older, once summer comes, once summer is over, and it hit me!!  I have been waiting for the wrong things.  I THOUGHT I was waiting for things that haven't happened yet.. but in actuality I don't think I was.  I was really waiting for life to regress. I was waiting to suddenly wake up and be 24 again and weigh 120lbs and have more energy and less wrinkles, have a more positive outlook, have a brain that wasn't plagued with lesions that made my side numb and my thoughts leave, to have small children who needed bottles opposed to car keys.. but that's never going to happen, and deep down in some completely unreasonable fashion my life was on hold  as I waited for it to regress.

I've been on a mission of self improvement I think pretty much my whole life, as i have tried to fill myself into the mold others have thought I am in or should be in .  In the midst of all this I have let my family down and I let myself down.  I have let my health go to the wayside to save face, and the reality is I really shouldn't do some of the things I get myself wrapped up in.  I'm realizing there is a difference.  It's not that I CAN'T do things.. I'm still physically able to.. but I shouldn't..  My focus is shifting... I need to spend more time enjoying the moments that are happening right now, and making sure that I am here to see a lot more moments. You only live once ya know.. and I feel like I've completely wasted the past few years, and I don't want to waste any more.

The past is the past, and I don't want to lose anymore of my tomorrows waiting for yesterday.. so ever onward.

<3


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Because we are military wives

By -
We spend 4 hours with our husbands in a uniform shop, followed by two hours looking for the right size of boot, because any time together right before a deployment is still time together. We try not to take the little things for granted for they become the biggest things when we don't have them any more. We stand in tears on piers, and are comforted and comfort women we've never met, because we all are feeling the same way. We cringe a little when people say "your so strong" because inside we are dying. We put on a strong face for our kids, so we can dry their tears, and calm their fears, and hide away that we have the same ones. We sleep alone most of the time, we worry, we cry, and we get up the next day and face life head on. We try to smile and brush it off, when people who don't know any better tell us how lucky we are because of all the "benefits."Medical, housing et al.. Not having to pay for a physical really doesn't make up for all the mi
Read more

parental poll

By -
A friend made a comment today that got me thinking. (dangerous I know) So, I was wondering, (if ya'll wouldn't mind chiming in) at what age your kids either did or will do the following activities... ok so survey says..... How old was/ or will you child be when you let them.... play outside with no parental supervision- sleep over at a friend's house - wear make-up - have a bed time later than 7:30 - go on a date - there are no right or wrong answers here, just curious.  Everyone is different and what works for one may not work for another, so no answers will be judged.. I am just wondering where I fall in the averages :)
Read more

Marco!!

By -
It never seems to fail. I go shopping.. doesn't matter where.. just out shopping. Having myself a grand ol' time, whether it be shopping for groceries or things a lot more fun than that, shopping. Shopping is great, until.... I leave the confines of the store/mall etc, and head to the parking lot only to have NO clue WHAT-SO-EVER where my fricken frackin car is!! NONE! No idea at all, good thing I have a green mini-van, cause THOSE aren't common! So then I embark on the mission of trying to find my car. I try the nonchalant approach at first, strolling with purpose down an isle as if I know exactly where I am going. This process is generally complicated by a car following me to get "my spot", so then I have to feign forgetfulness, "OOPS, (looking around frantically) must have left something in the store." It's back to the store to "retrieve" non-existent lost item, and try the car finding ruse once more. This time I try the more distract
Read more