Sunday, November 27, 2011
thoughts that I think
I have a bunch of random things flowing through my brain.. as per normal, so here is one of them.
I had an epiphany the other day at 2 a.m. while standing in a public restroom. (odd place I know.) I was staring into a mirror watching much younger women scurry in and out and I really saw myself. Not a cursory glance to see if my hair was sticking up or if there was broccoli in my teeth, I mean a deep looked into my soul moment.
I always seem to be waiting on something. When X is over I'll have more time.. or if I just quit doing Y this will be better. Once the kids are a little older, once summer comes, once summer is over, and it hit me!! I have been waiting for the wrong things. I THOUGHT I was waiting for things that haven't happened yet.. but in actuality I don't think I was. I was really waiting for life to regress. I was waiting to suddenly wake up and be 24 again and weigh 120lbs and have more energy and less wrinkles, have a more positive outlook, have a brain that wasn't plagued with lesions that made my side numb and my thoughts leave, to have small children who needed bottles opposed to car keys.. but that's never going to happen, and deep down in some completely unreasonable fashion my life was on hold as I waited for it to regress.
I've been on a mission of self improvement I think pretty much my whole life, as i have tried to fill myself into the mold others have thought I am in or should be in . In the midst of all this I have let my family down and I let myself down. I have let my health go to the wayside to save face, and the reality is I really shouldn't do some of the things I get myself wrapped up in. I'm realizing there is a difference. It's not that I CAN'T do things.. I'm still physically able to.. but I shouldn't.. My focus is shifting... I need to spend more time enjoying the moments that are happening right now, and making sure that I am here to see a lot more moments. You only live once ya know.. and I feel like I've completely wasted the past few years, and I don't want to waste any more.
The past is the past, and I don't want to lose anymore of my tomorrows waiting for yesterday.. so ever onward.