autopilot

Ya know how when you drive the same way to work or school everyday that eventually it just kinda drives itself. You get on the freeway and then bam you're home. You don't really recall driving past some of the things you know you passed, but you know you passed them because here you are at home. Autopilot

I feel like my life is on autopilot. I've been on this freeway, and arrived here at my current life, but I don't really know how I got here. the good the bad the ugly, it all just happened. And here I am, bam.. mourning the loss of my kids youth as well as my own. I'm not young anymore, that's actually a lot easier to come to terms with than the fact that my kids aren't either. For so many years my identity has been this busy mom with 4 little kids who needed me to do everything for them, and now I'm not. I'm trying to figure out who I am now, and trying hard not to lose sight of the fact that I have a 10 year old, who still has a lot of growing up to do. Maybe I do too.

I've gone into this almost panic mode. I'm almost 39 years old, and I have achieved nothing really impressive. I don't even have a real career.  Maybe I'm still on the freeway, maybe I missed my exit.. I'm just not sure. I know I don't want to miss another minute. I missed alot of moments, but I don't want to do that anymore.  I can't rewind my life and make better choices, but I can make better new choices, and I guess thats something.

You see this morning I woke up, buckled 3 kids into car seats, and one in his booster seat... I got on the freeway.... I got home and unloaded 2 kids who are almost adults, and 2 more who are hot on their heals.



Comments

Jules said…
awwwww..... love you and you have accomplished so much!! Don't sell yourself short!

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