Better out than in

Looking over the past year, it's amazing all that has transpired in 365 short days. Parts of this year will stay with me for the rest of my life for better or worse.  I was fortunate enough to get to see my beautiful cousin Bridgett get married. I spent the weekend surrounded by family, love and happiness. I wanted that weekend to last forever. My beautiful daughter started high school. Her growing up is having a profound affect on me. Connor started dating, like as in has a serious girlfriend, it weirds me out that we have reached this stage of  life with him. Tanner started middle school, waterpolo, math team, and tried out for football. Being the lease adventurous of my children, his new found interests are delightful to me. Garrett has started playing the saxophone.. which I felt at the time was cool. :) He's actually doing really well, and is quite the rocking 4th grader. We went on a fabulous family vacation to Disneyland in December.  I will treasure e...

What does evil look like? Today we saw first hand the face of evil. An act was committed that we will NEVER understand. No reason, no explanation will ever be good enough. I, as most of you, listened to the news today with tears, with disbelief, and with an ache in my heart that was unreal. As I sat waiting for Tanner to get out of school, staring into the schoolyard that almost 34 years ago was the scene of "the first" American school shooting, I could not contain the tears in my eyes. The what- ifs?, the whys? They all came to me. I can not comprehend how the parents felt that day, or how the parents in CT are feeling tonight.  They are returning home to a house that will never ever feel the same. A child is missing forever.  A tree with presents that will never be opened, toys that will never again be played with, and an emptiness that I can not fathom. So what now?? The effects of this have reverberated across this nation. Our school was getting calls asking about o...

2 days ago I turned 38, it's a bit surreal. I usually tell people I'm 25. I feel 14 and look 70. I think though if I had to pick an age to be forever I would be 9. I want to ride my bike down this weird dirt put with my brother and the Barr twins. I want to walk to Plateau. I want to hang out at Creekside, and listen to stories told by Willie and Big John. I want to have that amazing excitement and magical aw that I felt watching "Charlie Brown Christmas" for the ninth time. I want to believe in Santa. I want to walk out into my backyard and have it be a national forest, not someone elses back yard. I want my biggest worry to be not wanting to go to school in the morning. I want to have a sense of wonder about the world, instead of a sense of fear. I want to go to the 4th of July parade and be excited about the firetruck at the end. Yep if I could pick an age to be forever I would be 9. Garrett is 9, he's funny, carefree and smart, and he sti...

I haven't blogged much lately, not for lack of things to say (obviously) but more lack of time, and cognitive thought. So here are a few things that are on my mind (because really random compilations is what I do best) I have been on this insane mission of self improvement for much of my life. I FINALLY realized that I need to improve the things that I feel will make me/my family ect better. I spent far too much life trying to be the person others wanted me to be, not the person I am. People who are truly my friends love me for me. Once again I am on a weight loss kick... I so got this this time.. I'm determined, and tired of being round. I love to sing, sadly I'm very bad at it.. Connor on the other hand hates to sing in front of people but is insanely GOOD at it.. seems wrong. Apparently a dead ringer for Earnest Borgnine attends my church (or so says my son) I really like my son's girlfriend. I think she's finally warming up to me and not as afraid of...

So summer is coming to a close... noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo :( but alas, the start of  a new school year is upon us. Here are a few things I've learned (or had reaffirmed) over the summer... (and a few random thoughts and observations) If you watch all the ghost shows on Biography you will learn that you are far more likely to come back from the dead if you are Italian (seemingly so at least.) If you bury a yoga ball in the sand at the beach, you can use it as a little trampoline. Garrett is taking to the saxophone pretty well! I never want summer to end.. I want to freeze in time, right here and right now. Friends are important, but never compromise your true self for anyone (even the parts of your true self that are annoying to some) I will NEVER have a useful sense of direction. One Direction.. isn't HORRIBLE... I even kinda like them... a little. Garrett can eat an entire 20 oz jar of peanut butter in one afternoon. I sell myself short. ...

A week ago, one of the strongest women I've ever had the honor of knowing, passed from this life and onto the next. Marsi White was the epitome of strength. Her nearly 3 year battle with cancer, proved that time and time again. She always had a positive attitude, met it head on. In part that is why I never for one moment thought that she wouldn't beat it. Her strength gave the people around her strength. I will never say goodbye, because I know I will see her again one day in heaven, but it doesn't help the hurt that everyone who loved her feels now.  I believe however that even in death she is giving strength to those who loved her. I was in Michigan for my cousin's wedding when Marsi passed on. I got to thinking about how blessed I was to have her in my life, as I looked around me, I realized that I also pull strength from the amazing women in my family. I am so lucky to have been surrounded, raised, loved, by some of the most amazing, strong women on the planet. ...

I haven't blogged in a while, I guess I have't had anything horribly interesting to report.. ok I don't now either.. but who am I kidding I just like to talk (type, express myself) :) We had a great 4th of July.  We were at the fair, so we did not get to see the BIG BAY BOOM BUST, however the name is really catchy and for this reason alone, I am a little sad we missed it.  However we were at the fair, we found the giraffe Tanner made in school, we saw real fireworks that lasted more than 11 seconds, AND we saw Weird Al!! Ok ok, I know what you're thinking.. seriously.. I haven't had this much fun in a while. He was hilarious! My kids all loved it! CONNOR EVEN SMILED!! I think he even laughed a few times. As my kids get older, a whole new set of fears and firsts are upon me, for this reason, I've come up with a sure fire way to skip all this teen dating stuff and heartbreak. ARRANGED MARRIAGES!!  I picked out girls for all my boys (I need to start making some...

Trying to find a "real" job after 16 years of having a "surreal" job, can be somewhat challenging.  I was talking to a friend about writing a resume, (something I have very little experience at) she said that the most important thing in a resume is making sure it is accurate and up to date... SO here goes... Amy Eagle San Diego, CA Key Skills: Communication - Proficient at facebook, instagram, and facetime. Generally can not get out of a store, business, or school, without having a lengthy conversation with total strangers. Speaks fluent sarcasm, and developing skills in communicating with angst ridden teenagers. Problem solving - Resolves in-depth queries in a methodical manner, can google search at a very impressive rate, has the ability to deal with van fires, heart breaks, gum in hair, stained uniforms, and scheduling conflicts... with a smile. (sorta) Team Player - Can work with Satan himself (ass...

My beautiful Paige, I was once 14, and I do remember what it was like. Here are a few things that I wish I would have known/believed then... YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL I don't care what some angst ridden, spitefull, spoiled rotten brat thinks. So what if someone is taller, thinner, has blonder hair, or darker hair, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. You have a beauty that far outreaches any super model, you have a beautiful heart. You are an amazing child of God and your beauty shines regardless of the brand of jeans you wear. DON'T SPEND TOO MUCH TIME WORRYING ABOUT NOW Believe it or not, the things that feel like they are the end of the world right now won't even matter in 10 years, hell they won't matter in 10 weeks! It's hard to see past that right now, but know that a whole lot of amazing awaits you in life, and these teen years will be just one drop of water in the giant ocean that is your life. BOYS ARE DUMB! Period. End of sentence. You're young, don't look too ha...

Today I was talking to a lady I have only known for a very short period of time, so she doesn't really know me or my kids.. I feel like I need to preface the story with that.. She was talking about her child and all their goings on, with this sport and that sport and this class and that class. I listened graciously (cause I totally can pull of gracious) and smiled and nodded.  She talked about practices and recitals, and then asked me what I had going on tonight. I said "my oldest has a band concert." To which she replied "That's it? LUCKY!, I wish I got a quiet night at home" Again, CLEARLY she doesn't know my family. With the exception of my hubby, QUIET is not how we roll... The bell rang at 11:40, I collected Garrett and Kaiden and Kyra, played a rousing round of the animal game ans arrived home a little after noon. The dogs had upended the trash can and eaten much of a box of crayons. The boys played video games while a very tired Kyra made he...

I am a kid whisperer.. little kids LOVE me... seriously.. they do! I can't walk 4 feet at Green without my fan club showing up.. I sorta love it! When Garrett says his tummy hurts he means it (Ms.Bridges found that out the hard way, when he puked all over her class) I have two of the best teenagers on the planet (even though they drive my loopy at times) There is a ghost in my house, sometimes it doesn't let me wake up. 2 sick kids and 1 with a girl scout meeting, makes for a VERY quiet ride home from school. I don't understand skylanders The Tupac hologram video that was taken over the weekend at a Snoop Dog concert, has had me amazed all day.. Like seriously amazed.. Perhaps I amaze easily. BUT WOW Tanner will be doing a solo at the band concert in May... so apparently there is ANOTHER band concert.  Connor has one on Wednesday night, and then there's spring fest... weeee Writing out all the things that are going on this summer.. made me a little dizzy...

I've hit a odd spot in my life where I have been deeply analyzing everything in my life.  Call it getting older, growing, up, facing my children growing up, or just  going crazy. I have been questioning a lot of my  past choices. I have re-evaluated my religion, my relationships and also my past. I like to think I am an easy going person, I think that may be true to a point.  I would like to think that I have a caring, loving, accepting heart... which is true to a point.  I also have that ugly monster called "grudge" that I carry around. I'm not even sure I realized it or ever accepted that fact until recently. I don't generally hold grudges I think, but every now and then, there is a wound that goes so deep that I have a hard time letting it go.  Even when I tell myself and believe that I have. I was faced this week with the fact that my reaction to an incident that happened when I was pregnant with Tanner forever altered not just my own, but my whole...

I have been feeling sooooo just sad the last few days.  Mostly little things, that for whatever reason seem like big things, but really aren't in the big scheme of things.  So for no real reason or at least no good reason I have been a sad pittiful mess.  Soooo today despite the gloomy weather I tried to shift my focus, so here is a fabulous pictoral of my day, of... THINGS THAT DIDN'T MAKE ME CRY... (drum roll please) My antique cookie jar collection The carne asada I had for dinner My beautiful friend Kristen who called me today at exactly when I needed someone, just to chat   How my dog sits on the couch to look out the window This picture The teapot my mom got me This little bug that we get to hang out with (along with her super sweet brother) every day after school   The flowers from my hubby   My mantra "in control"

I have several religious theories that my mind has developed over the years. Or at least that my mind has further explored and added too.. One of which has been very prevalent in my mind lately.  I see friends suffering, I see illness, homelessness, debt, wars, natural disasters, and as a small minded human, I wonder why.  Where is God?  Obviously he knows, he's omniscient!  So why? I'm sure you all know how the Bible begins (and if you don't go dust off your bible and read it.. seriously.. it's just a good idea) ... "In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth."  What was before the beginning?  God existed, just our world didn't.. so he created it. He created the heavens and earth, plants, animals, water, humans all that we see...  If you take the bible at literal value it took 7 days... Often times people will say things like "in God's timing" or "God's timing is not our timing" If God's timing is different...

I have been amazingly blessed recently in all areas of my life.  I'm realizing that even the bad things are good things. Our old van finally went KAPUT!! Our NEW van is kinda the most amazing thing ever.  :) We got a great deal on it, and it's sparkly, and has all kinds of handy little features that I never needed but love that it has. (now if I could just get Connor to stop taping random pictures in the view of my backup camera I'd be all set. My health has been improving by leaps and bounds. I can't remember the last time I felt this good. I've been making little changes every few days leaning towards the greater good, and it's been an amazing transformation. Two weeks ago I got an iphone. It was a love hate relationship for the first week or so but now I really love it. On Paige's birthday we were out to dinner,  a total stranger came up thanked Daniel for his military service shook his hand and paid for our families meal. I burst into tears.  It ...

ok.. so not really.. but kick ass title don't you think? So I am now on my third draft of this blog.  Initially I wrote out all the things that have happened in the last few days and MAN did it sound SOOOO depressing.  I certainly don't want to sound sad..  I'm not.  So let me change up the slant of this a bit Sometimes bad things happen, things we can't control. People you love move, things break, pets become ill, people let you down, relatives pass away, and sometimes you come under attack for just being yourself, but that's life. You can't control the curve balls that life throws, but here are some things you can control: YOUR ATTITUDE - This is your choice, yours alone.  People can be total turd munchkins, but don't let them steal your joy.  Hold on to happiness.  My beloved Aunt Pat recently passed away and I can honestly say she leaves a void in my heart, she helped form me into the person I am and for that I am forever grateful. Her passin...

Questions that I've had to answer an oddly high number of times this week.. so here are all my answers... Yes they are all mine No I'm not cold I'm not hurt I just walk like this sometimes I don't know where your shoes are You have to do your homework first No one named Stephanie Lemmins does now or has ever lived here ....................................... other random thoughts... I'm proud of my kids for trying new things even when they don't succeed You can only put so much stock in other people I love having friends I can depend on I'm already kinda over the whole gil scout cookie thing The band sent me a bill We are going to buy a new car hopefully soon. I offend way too easily Starbucks and lovely friends is a good way to start my day The Trails is yummy I like my house, it's cute, but I am looking forward to moving out of housing One of my dearest friends is about to have a baby, I'm over the moon excited An...

I've recently come to terms with something... Something that I've been called since I was little... Something that I resented, and totally believed I wasn't... Turns out.. In FACT I am totally a goody goody! I know I know.. I've tried not to be... I want to be a rebel the "bad girl" but the fact remains... I don't think I have a rebellious bone in my body. After reflecting on past events in my life... Even when I TRY to be ... I can't.. FACTS I like following the rules I can't bring myself to park in the red zone I married the second guy I ever kissed I once got snarky with a cop who pulled me over... I wrote him a 2 page apology and took it to the police station. If I've ever lied to you, I probably immediately told you.. I clean up after people I don't know in public places I didn't drink a drop of alcohol until I was over 21 On my 21st birthday I had a milkshake I got rear ended and told th...

My brother will be 40 on Monday He's older than me, MUCH older Seriously WAY older Paige might be the nicest person I know.. no lie I have learned this week when you think a door is open, don't slam the one you're at until your SURE that next door is going to stay open.. just saying. Looks like I'm going to have some extra time on my hands.. oh what will I do One of my closest friends is moving, and I haven't figured out how to deal with it yet. I've decided sobbing uncontrollably on her porch is not the way to go.. (it's most likely what I'll do though) I want to go to Disneyland My grandma's house sold.. not sure why , but it made me cry. I am the heaviest I've ever been in my life.. this is bad.. very bad.. I love my Kindle Fire.  Best present ever! I should have mentioned BEST PRESENT EVER  when I posted the ugly red shirt that my husband also bought... So he is credited for my best and worse Christmas presents :) Tann...